Is it possible to predict if a new partner will someday turn out to be abusive? Here are a few tips that could help you evaluate your new relationship. Keep in mind that all of those signs don’t need to be present. Trust yourself and listen to your inner voice.

If you still have doubts and would like to discuss privately with a counselor, don’t hesitate to call us at 514-620-4845 ext. 221.

 

1- He speaks disrespectfully about his former partners:

• « My ex accused me of being violent with her. But when I really think about it, I think that I was the victim of her psychological abuse. »
• « I never want to see her face again. She’s a real psycho. All she’s good for is to be a trouble maker for the people around her. I don’t even want to talk about her anymore. »

 

2- He is disrespectful towards you

• « Don’t pay attention to her. Politics is not really her strength. »
• « It’s kind of obvious that you’re fatter than my ex, but it doesn’t matter. It’s easy to lose a few pounds!»
• « We would plan to meet up but then he would always be late. I don’t know why but I’d always end up being the one apologizing. »

 

3- He does favors that you don’t want or puts on such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable

• « On our second date, he brought me to a jewelry store and bought me a 200$ necklace. »
• « He knew I was having trouble paying my rent and he offered to pay for three months. I was really uncomfortable, so I refused. He never accepted my refusal and went directly to the landlord to pay. »

 

4- He is possessive and jealous

• « When I go out with my boyfriend, I’m very nervous. Whenever someone looks at me, I’m afraid. I never know if he’s going to pick a fight. »
• « My boyfriend hates all of my friends. Even the girls. He always says that he wants to keep me for himself, that he loves me too much. When I’m not with him, he calls me non-stop to know what I’m doing. »
• « At first, I thought it was cute. But the more it goes, the more it feels suffocating. »

 

5- He is self-centered

• « It’s hard to get a word in a conversation. It seems like he’s so passionate that he gets lost in his thoughts and talk incessantly. »
• « As soon as I talk about something concerning me, he brings the subject back to him and his experiences. »

 

6- Nothing is ever his fault

• « The last three times he lost his job wasn’t his fault. The first time, his boss was taking advantage of him. The two other times, his colleagues were jealous and trying to get him into trouble. »
• « The other day, he arrived 4 hours late to our date. 4 hours! He never apologized even when I found out that he was hanging around at his place and didn’t feel like dressing up. »

  

7- He gets too serious too quickly about the relationship

• « He was on vacation in my country when we met. After 2 weeks, he asked if I wanted to be his fiancée. Two months later, he came back to visit and we got married on a whim. »
• « We’ve been together for 3 months. He already moved in with me. He was about to lose his apartment so I felt bad for him… I couldn’t say no. »

 

8- He abuses drugs or alcohol

• « When he’s using drugs, he always insists that I get high with him. Even when I don’t feel like it he always ends up convincing me. If I don’t, he tells me I don’t know how to have fun  »
• « After three months in the relationship, I realised that he was taking a lot more drugs than he originally said he was. »

 

9- He pressures you for sex

• « I never wanted to sleep with a man without being in a relationship with him. But with him, it seems like it’s not the same thing. I feel like if I refuse, he’ll get it elsewhere. »
• « He forces me to do things I really don’t feel comfortable with. »
• « When I told him I wasn’t ready yet, he accused me of not loving him. »

 

10- He intimidates you when he is angry

• «When he drives, he’s so reckless that I’m scared. When I try to tell him, he smiles and goes even faster. He tells me that’s how a man should drive. »
• « Every time I have something that comes up which means I won’t be able to see him, I fear his reaction. When I call him, I can hear him banging on the wall and he hangs up in my face. »

 

11- He has double standards

• « He tells me he doesn’t want me to go out clubbing with my girlfriends. But after his hockey practices, he goes out with his friends all the time. »
• « When it comes to him, it’s never the same thing. When I tell him it’s not fair, he tells me that I can’t compare apples and oranges. »
• « Every single night, he drinks two to three beers. Occasionally, when I pour myself a glass of wine, he accuses me of being an alcoholic. »

 

12- He has negative attitudes toward women

• « My partner says that my friend is not a real woman since she doesn’t want children and she doesn’t accept her husband’s money. »
• « Every time we pass by a woman who is dressed a certain way, he makes denigrating comments.»
• « Since the first time we met, he told me that men were made to work and support the home. As for women, their role was to stay home and take care of the chores. »

 

13- He treats you differently around other people

• « At home, when we have friends over, he treats me like a real queen. But as soon as they leave his personality changes completely and he starts ignoring me. »
• « My boyfriend is near perfection when we are alone together. However, he’s obnoxious when he’s with his friends. It’s as if I’m his scapegoat. »

 

14- He appears to be attracted to vulnerability

• « When we first started dating, I was only 19 years old. He was twice my age. He would always tell me that I was too young to understand this and that. »
• « My ex left me two months ago and I met my new boyfriend a few days after. It’s funny, it’s as if he sensed that I was heartbroken. »

 

Criterias taken from : Bancroft, Lundy. (2002). Why does he do that? : inside the mind of angry and controlling men. New York (NY) Penguin Group. Pages: 114-121.